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- "I have a great diet.
You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people."
- Ed Bluestone
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you
is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron."
- George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she
is."
- Ellen DeGeneris
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate
it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next
morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents."
- Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets."
- Dave Edison
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window."
- Steve Bluestone
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared
for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
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- Alcoholic Side-Effects
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and
alcohol
bottles, such as:
1.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
2.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an a-hole.
3.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to
SMASH
YOUR HEAD IN.
4.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.
5.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the
morning.
6.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the
hell happened to your pants.
7.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you
can't remember).
8.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you
are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really
big guy
named Chuck.
10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.
11.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are
laughing WITH you.
12.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in
the
time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large)
gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear".
13.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE
pregnancy.
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- What's the difference
between a girlfriend and a wife? --
45 lb.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 min.
- What is it when a man talks
nasty to a woman? -- Sexual
Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a
minute.
- How can you tell if your
wife is dead? -- The sex is the
same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the
same, but you get the remote.
- What's a blonde's favorite
nursery rhyme? -- Humpme
Dumpme.
- What's it called when a
woman is paralyzed from the waist
down? --
Marriage
- How many men does it take to
change a light bulb? -- None,
they just sit there in the dark and complain.
- What's the fastest way to a
man's heart? -- Through his
chest with a sharp knife.
- Why is it so hard for women
to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have
boyfriends.
- What is a man's view of safe
sex? -- A padded headboard.
- How do men sort their
laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but
wearable"
- What's the difference
between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
- What makes men chase women
they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention
of driving.
- What do you call a smart
blonde? -- A golden retriever.
- Who is the most popular guy
at the nudist colony? -- The
guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still
carry a dozen
donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The
woman who ate the last donut.
- What is the difference
between a battery and a woman? -- A
battery has a positive side.
- A brunette, a blonde and a
redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's
18.
- Do you know why they call it
the Wonder Bra? -- When you
take it off you wonder where the breast went.
- Do you know the punishment
for bigamy? -- Two
mothers-in-law.
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| sent by Malani stone |
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