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- A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and she
sees a piece of paper that says, ''Ocean Cruise Only 5$.''
She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the
address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the
building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The
secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The
blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to
the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy
reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and
knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up
she''s tied to a log and is floating down river. She starts
to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her
freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right
next to her, she says, "So do you think they''re going
to serve us some food on this trip?"
- Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
- A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married
and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having
contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He
held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the
end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All
right, who's the other father!?!"
- What's the difference between a smart blonde and
Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
- Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to
England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.
- Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her
husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe!
- A blonde walks into a
pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman that they
don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the
blonde assures the
pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this
store on a regular
basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't
have any." "But I always get it
here," says the blonde "Do you have the container
it comes in?" "Yes!" said
the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns
with the container and hands
it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal
stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the
container, "To apply, push up bottom."
- A blind man, enters a
Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while,
the blind guy
yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky,
deep voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you
should know
something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde
and I'm a 6' tall,
200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the
woman sitting
next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to
your right is a
blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously,
Mister. You
still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, you're right, not if I'm
gonna have to explain it
five times."
- A red head, a brunette, and
(of course) a blonde walk into a bar. The
bartender tells them that in the bathroom there's a magical
mirror that will
give you something good if you tell it the truth but you lie
you get sucked
in.
The girls liked the idea so they all walked into the
bathroom.
The brunette said "I think I'm the best looking person
in this bar" and out
popped out her prize.
Next the red-head and went up and said "I think I'm the
smartest girl in
this bar" it was the truth so a prize popped out of the
mirror.
Next the blonde went "I think...." She was sucked
into the mirror and never
seen again.
- On a plane bound for New
York, the flight attendant approached a blonde
sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to economy
since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
replied... "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not
moving." Not
wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked
the copilot to
speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out
of the first
class section. Again, the blonde replied... "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to New York, and I'm not moving." The copilot
returned to the cockpit
and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said,
"I'm married to a
blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the
first class section
and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section
mumbling to herself,
"Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the
flight attendant and the
copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her
to move from
her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section
wasn't going to New
York."
- A blonde goes to an
electronic store. She goes up to the salesman and says
"
I'd like to buy this TV" the salesman replies
"Sorry, I don't sell to
blondes." the blonde, very angry goes home.
The next day she dresses up very professionally, pins her
hair up and puts
on a pair of glasses. She goes back to the store and says to
the same
salesman, "I'd like to buy this TV" The salesman
again says, "Sorry but I
don't sell to blondes." Now the blonde is very angry.
The next day she dyes her hair brown and puts on the glasses
and goes back
to the store. Again she says to the salesman "I'd like
to buy this TV" and
again the salesman replies "Sorry I don't sell to
blondes." The blonde
starts yelling "I'm not blonde, look my hair is brown.
Why won't you just
sell be the damn TV?"
The salesman replies "Because it's a microwave".
- A Blond walks into the
doctor's office and says, "Doc every time I touch
myself it hurts."
The Doctor says, "where does it hurt?"
The Blond touches different parts of her body and
says,"it hurts here and here."
The Doctor soon diagnoses the problem...
"I see your problem,.... you've cut your finger!"
- Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no
haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde
shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set
on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he
spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the
creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to
the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then
the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and
frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"
- I knew a blonde that was
so stupid that.......
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because
it said "concentrate."
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make
up her mind.
she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change
back.
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third
grade.
under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here"...she put Sagittarius."
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
she sold the car for gas money.
when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted),
she went home and got 16 friends.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
- Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a
show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his
dummy on
his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes
when a
blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts
shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in
the community and from reaching our full potential as a
person,
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination
against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in
the name
of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize,
when the
blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to
that
little jerk on your knee!'
- A blonde pushes her BMW into
a gas station. She tells
the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling
smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
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